When a child is robbed ~ Some has to speak out, why not ME?

Last night as I lay in bed, talking with God. I remembered posting a quote on my facebook page about people speaking negative  of others, and that more times than not it is something within them. Their issue, they need to address, but often never get. Several years ago I was seeing a Christian counselor, Paula Brown from Birmingham, Alabama. I trusted her insight, as she really helped me to get to the root of what was eating at me since I was 5 years old, maybe earlier.
I had been abused as a young child, my first recollection was about five years of age.. Until I blew the whistle at age 11. It took me years to tell my parents for a few reasons. I was scared of what might happen, you must understand that as a young child, we do not understand about being accountable for the wrong ONE does to us, only that something has to make it stop. But, how, and who, and what, was that I thought. So my fears of the unknown of it ALL kept me in  bondage as a young child. I did finally tell my parents, and it stopped at once. My parents stopped going to that house, they had a huge falling out with those family members, and that was that! In those days you really didn’t have a therapist to go to.. You went to your pastor, well your parents did.. I guess on how to deal with it. From then on my parents kept a close watch on me, and my where about’s. I know my Mother blamed herself, but, she shouldn’t have.. Sexual predictors have their ways of getting, and hiding their sickness over on their pray..
But that left me at 11, then soon 14, then 18, then 25 with feelings of SHAME that was overwhelming. Feelings of being unworthy, not good enough, and it cause me to become angry, and that spilled over into my whole life.. I was spinning out of control.. Until my Christian radio station mentioned Paula Brown. I made an appointment and it took us week upon week, to finally make some headway.. It finally HIT me when Paula asked me that one QUESTION that changed my life as I knew it.. She said ” Debbie, what would you say to that little girl, the one the dwells still to this day within your very heart. You, a grown woman, with children of your very own. What would you say to her.”
It took me all of about 10 seconds to began to weep, I wept until I threw up.. Our one hour session turned into 3 hours..I was weeping for the little girl still with in me. The one that never got to let it out, talk it out, or even let it go..Only to hold in all that I had been through for over 25 years. That day was a breakthrough for me. And it was allowed by God, at that time only, for a reason. Had it have happened earlier, I’m not sure I would have been in a place to have dealt with it in a constructive way that I did then. When God laid this on my heart last night, I thought Oh Lord, now you have asked me to share things that I never dreamt of, but please God. Not this too.. It is only by his Grace that I am free from those feelings of self destruction. And it is by  the Grace he covers me to write this.. There is not one thing anyone can say, or do to make me relive this in a negative way.. God’s Graces covers me.. I’ve been set free.. I hope thatthis reaches others that struggle with this, and help them in whatever way God see’s fit. Know you are not alone, and that you are worthy, and loved by God. It is HIS Grace that sets us free, once we know just  what it is we need setting free, from..
~Debbie~

Comments

  1. Dear Debbie, Thank you for your message. You are an inspiration. I was raped at 16 years of age. It took years for me to be able to tell anyone and talk about it. It takes a long time to heal from these ordeals. But by the grace of God, I have. Thank you for your wonderful site. God bless you. Suzy

  2. Susan Maree Jeavons says:

    Hi Debbie, I know how hard this must have been for you. My own father sexually abused me from 5-17. My mother knew and did nothing. In fact, they have been married for over 64 years. I spent the first 30 years of my life angry, bitter, filled with hate. When I had a little girl of my own, I made the mistake of trusting my parents. I was at home and they were visiting, which never lasted long, but he touched her inappropriately. I went postal! I even attempted suicide. It took me another 20 years to get to what I call inner peace. To do that I had to forgive my parents. The hardest was forgiving myself for being so naive in thinking that my father would never dare harm one of my children. My parents live far away and are both in a nursing home. I talk to my mom a couple times a week, but my father has Alzheimers and I don’t talk to him. Anyway, my 3 daughters and 1 son and I are very close. I am thankful for that. God has truly blessed me with so much. I use to write articles on the topic of Child Abuse and Recovery at Suite101.com. It got to be to triggering. I also write poetry about abuse. I thank you for sharing your story. It takes courage to do that, but it does set us free. Blessings and love, Susan Maree

  3. Jody Hutchens says:

    So very very sorry Debbie
    I just get sick at the very thought of little Children being hurt and molested. No words can erase the pain only Jesus Christ that has promised to heal us such hurts and help us forgive. Can not imagine why your folks did not turn him in so he could not do that to another little girl. May the Lord Bless you as you reach out to other hurting people. Love all you share.

  4. we are working on a child protection policy for our church. As much as we want to deny this issue, we can’t. I pray for the safety for children everywhere. When I studied about this, I found so many emotional layers a victim has to deal with. I pray that you recover and praise God that you are becoming stronger each day in His infinite care, love and mercy.

  5. Debbie thank you for sharing and obeying God you will be blessed! I know there are people out there that will also be blessed! I understand at the time why your parents did not turn the person in. This happened to my daughter & her friend and we did go through with the court process. It is on their record for the rest of their life, but it was very hard on the girls. I took my daughter to counseling it help her a lot. She loves the Lord is a mother of 3 boys and is a wonderful wife. So Thanks again for sharing!

    • Thank you Wendy, I think in 1965 the laws were much different than today. My parents made certain that they never came anywhere near me, ever again. But, it did take years to overcome, and get passed the shame and all the garbage it brings with it.. ~Debbie~

  6. Dear Debbie, I know how hard it was to share, I waited to share with my father and mother that the neighbor molested me. My father if he had known would have killed the man. People come into our lives and we as children are so trusting. I will never forget the feelings of despair I felt about the whole situation, I was ten almost eleven when it happened so I knew I would never put myself in that situation ever again where my neighbor would have access to me alone. Needless to say we are never the same again. After years of blaming myself I picked myself up and put one foot in front of the other and forgave myself, Knowing full well and understanding it wasn’t my fault. Thanks for sharing,

  7. joanne nixon says:

    hi debbie…your posting today hit home. i, too, was abused by a family member from the time i was five until i was thirteen, i don’t know how i know the ages, but i do. i never told anyone about this except a priest. i never told my mother until i was an adult with children of my own. my mother did not believe this could have happened. over the years, i worked the feelings of shame and unworthiness out thru reading and a few disclosures to my husband at that time. i had a love/hate relation with the abuser. he was my brother. my brother was killed in a car accident when he was 29. i think my healing came when i actually forgave him. i do not understand why he felt the need to do this to me, nor do i understand what prompted his behavior to this day…..but i did forgive him in my mind long ago and that made me free. i have not forgotten but i have forgiven. i feel the soul of the abuser is a troubled soul. we may not have the answers we desire, but we do have the capacity to forgive without forgetting. there are so many girls (and boys) who have experienced this same abuse and worse. healing comes easier to some than it does to others. some will not be able to forgive or to cope with this. i pray that some day they ( the victims of abuse) will see that they were in no way to blame for what happened to them, but that they were victimized by someone who had some mental and behavioural issues….for someone who was mentally healthy would not commit this egregious sin on innocents. hopefully the victims of sexual abuse will feel safe enough to speak of this with others and help them to heal. healing others will help us heal ourselves. blessings to all….

  8. Thank you for sharing Debbie, I know God understands and is with us at all times. He alone can give the grace and healing we all need. Whether or not how each of us was hurt as a child, we all need God’s mercy and to forgive ourselves. Our children need to be protected at all costs and I am thankful you are healing now. God bless you for sharing.

  9. How heartfeelt and touching. I am so sorry you went through all that. I also was molested as a child, and know the shame, bewilderment, etc. that goes along with it. My heart bleeds for those who are going through this, or have had this in their past.
    Prayers follow you and all the others.

  10. Debbie, I just wanted you to know that I think you are an incredibly amazing woman. Thank you for just being you and giving so much of yourself.

  11. Hi Debbie, Thank you for sharing your story. God is so amazing. I heard someone say ‘Only God can reach into our ‘times’ because God is timeless. God can walk into our history and touch the very moments that hurt us the most.’ I hope you have the opportunity to share your story with many, many more people who need to hear that they can be free too. Blessings, Joni

  12. Janice Tate says:

    I was touched by your beautiful story, I too have seen the ugly of a sexual abuse at the age if 12-16
    It’s an ugly monster not only inside if them but it affected the inside if me!
    It’s was by the only man I knew as a father since age 5, I did however at one time he told me wait till your sister gets older
    My mother never believed me so I told the lady I babysat for! I was in a foster home , became a ward of the state till. 18!
    But because he was military nothing happened to him! I received counseling and eventually was sent back home he was told to not be in the house alone with me, I hated everyday going home, but I had a great friend I stayed at her quite often!
    She showed me who God and Jesus are I’m so grateful!
    I’m healed but you never forget ! Sending you warm hugs!

  13. Debbie, thank you for sharing this.
    I was molested by an older brother when I was eleven. I never told my mom, to this day she does not know but he is behind bars for another offense, for a very long time.
    I was also raped at the age of fifteen.
    It took me years to share any of this with anyone, even my husband. Once I did it stopped having any power over me.
    God is amazing and I give Him all for saving me.

  14. Hello! This post couldn’t be written any better! Reading this post reminds me of my old room mate! He always kept talking about this. I will forward this article to him. Pretty sure he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing!

  15. Debbie, what a “coincidence.” A rabbit trail from pinterest to simplebites FB page, to a recipe you call “brownie cake” that looks just like my “seriously ugly fudge cake…to your website, to this post. Today. Wow! Just LOVE God’s reminder that I’m not here to merely find/make yummy food but offer what He’s given me to the folks He loves dearly.

    So, thanks for sharing your story! Have you discovered yet that there are women all around with similar stories and nearly identical pain who will open up because you’ve shared? No matter the exact details, they will have kept it clamped down and hidden away out of shame. That’s the Enemy, isn’t it? If he can’t steal us for his army, he’ll try to hobble us so we’re not effective in God’s. Shame makes such an effective weapon, and hallelujah that God has set you free from it!

    I’d like to encourage you here, regarding your trepidation about sharing something so intensely personal and private. My experience in finally starting to share my own story about 10 years ago has shown me that there may well be people who pull away (or otherwise behave oddly) now that they know. I encourage you to PLEASE realize that it’s about their fears, not about your story. I think perhaps some folks draw away so they can convince themselves that you must have done something to deserve it…as a way to further convince themselves that something so tragic and painful could NEVER happen in their OWN lives. Don’t buy into it! Don’t let a few peoples’ reactions make you even *think* of picking back up what you’ve laid down! Cling to John 8:36…”So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” He has, and you ARE, praise GOD! Remember Peter–keep your eyes on Christ, and nevermind the waves under your feet. If Jesus says it’s solid enough to walk on, it IS!

    And way to go, girl…sidestepping the trap of silence and shame. I don’t know how God plans to use it, but since He called you to it, you gotta KNOW it’s for HIS glory. I’ve added you to my daily prayer list, as you walk this new wide-open path!

    • Thank you for you kind words.. If people pull away or act weird about this post, I’ve yet to see it. But, as I said I am covered by His Grace.. And I’ve already passed through this hell, and made it to the other side.. So whatever they choose to think of me, so be it.. I know the truth, and I am certain that you do as well.. Just from going through something such as this yourself.. It takes years from you, trust from you, places shame on you. I have come awayfrom it all, in a place of peace with this..

      ~Debbie~

  16. Today, I went to the beach with my children. I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back! LoL I know this is totally off topic but I had to tell someone!

  17. Debbie, thank you so much for sharing your story. It is tough to come to terms with abuse and even tougher to share it with others. But by doing so, you help so many people out there who have not yet battled their demons and carry them with them. It is always inspiring and heartwarming to be reminded that sometimes out of tragedy and abuse comes something as beautiful as you. <3

  18. Thank you for sharing Debbie. Brought tears to my eyes. My therapist has asked me that question over & over. Ive never been able to answer.

  19. Dear Debbie, The anointing destroys the yoke and I want to praise and thank our dear Lord for setting you free from all yokes of bondage. Our Jesus paid the price in full for our freedom from all insecurity and inferiority which covers a myriad of transgressions; ours and others. This is such a wonderful praise report. He/She whom the Son sets free, is free indeed. Because of your willingness and obedience to receive ALL that the Lord has provided for you, He has made you more than a conqueror and as a result He can touch others through you. Jesus is living, moving, and has His being in and through you as a vessel. Pure and Holy to bring encouragement, refreshing, and beauty to others. You live to please Him and for that He is well pleased. You let your light shine and it is infectious. Thank you for your obedience and willingness to glorify our great and awesome God.

  20. Interesting post. I can imagine that you did not want to share this… I think I would beg off from God asking me to do this as well. I am glad you chose to obey though. Not only have I experienced this as well, but most importantly, we have adopted a child that experienced this at a pre verbal age. This in itself makes it a challenge because she couldn’t verbalize her trauma, but she is also a fetal alcohol victim as well as being created with an IQ of 64…. I pray constantly for our child. She is now almost 14, has no memory of what happened to her, but we have to be hypervigilant with her as she acts out on other children especially girls younger than herself. With God all things are possible. I know it is all in His hand and his almighty timing…. it is my job to pray, love and teach/be a positive role model. I know we are born into a fallen world, but it is sure heartbreaking to see and feel the after affects of sin. Blessings to you and yours.

  21. Debbie, this story made me want to hug you. I am so sorry this happened in your life. God is so amazing. Just to think He can take a heart and life and bind up the broken and heal. You certainly are a blessing today. Keep on posting, keep on praying and keep on being the blessing you are.

  22. Judy Main says:

    Debbie, in your post you said your counselor asked ” Debbie, what would you say to that little girl, the one the dwells still to this day within your very heart. You, a grown woman, with children of your very own. What would you say to her.”

    What was your answer? One of my daughters was molested by my father-in-law when she was a little girl. I never knew about it until she was grown with children of her own and my ex father-in-law was deceased. I believe to this day that she needs counseling. Your answer may help me to encourage her to get the counseling that I believe she still needs. Thank you for your time, and many blessings to you.

  23. Debbie, in your post you said your counselor asked ” Debbie, what would you say to that little girl, the one the dwells still to this day within your very heart. You, a grown woman, with children of your very own. What would you say to her.”

    What was your answer? One of my daughters was molested by my father-in-law when she was a little girl. I never knew about it until she was grown with children of her own and my ex father-in-law was deceased. I believe to this day that she needs counseling. Your answer may help me to encourage her to get the counseling that I believe she still needs. Thank you for your time, and many blessings to you.

    By the way, I don’t have a personal website, just a Facebook account.

    • That it was not her fault ( that child that still lives in me) I was innocent, and that what happened to me was pure evil, that I was loved, and loveable And that it was not my fault, I was a victim of an evil act, that takes place more often than we really know .. I learned how to embrace that little girl from within me Judy, the one that had taken the shame, the blame, thinking that I had done something wrong.. But totally having to learn that I had NOTHING to do with it but, carried that feeling that somehow it was my fault.. I think that many young children feel and carry the balme and shame for something they do not even understand.. I hope that helps, and I do hope your daughter will seek help..

      Debbie

  24. Debbie, thank-you for sharing… my 8 year old baby girl was sexually abused by her step father… the only man she ever knew as her father…. she is in therapy… most nights I lay awake wondering how to make her life happy again… we pray and talk and now after reading your story I am confident we are on the right road to recovery for her… I am sure once we are done with the trial she can put it all behind her and heal… I can only hope it won’t take her as long… I know its not in our hands but God’s…
    I wish you continued success in all that you do.

  25. My sister had to live in hiding for 6 years to protect her son from his reported abuse. It is amazing how God protected her and her son during this portion of their lives. It is unspeakable that a parent could ever commit these crimes to their own children. I am shocked at how widespread this is–Satan’s perversion knows no boundaries, but neither does God’s love. Your post brought back many memories of my part in my sister’s journey during those days–not all of them pleasant, but wonderful to be reminded of God’s faithfulness to all our family during those days.

  26. Debbie…you speak for so many woman and even men afraid to come forward. I had a similar childhood, and when it spilled into my adult life, I didn’t really open up about it until I was in my early 30′s. I got counseling. What I learned was that I could wake up everyday and be a victim, or wake up every day and be a survivor. I chose to be a survivor. I have no shame and I am not the one that has to answer to God for what happened. When you put the guilt where it belongs, it is such a relief. Even if the offender does not accept it.

    • Vivian, someone needed to do it here on a blog, why not me.. I mean it was hard for me, but when God lays it upon your heart, you struggle with it when it opens up past hurt, pain, shame, etc. But, you obey, and God pours out his Grace and love like never before, God bless you

      ~Debbie~
      .

  27. I came to your website for the cheesy potato soup recipe so I could make it for my husband when he gets home from work today. I saw this picture of a little girl and it reminded me of my daughter when she was little. Little did I know I would end up sitting here with my hands over my face crying! My little girl was molested by her father from age 7 – 13, though I didn’t know about it until she was 16. I have cried and cried for my little girl over the years. She will be 40 next month and I still cry for her innocent childhood that was taken from her and that she didn’t have a real father to protect her. Mostly, how could I have not known?! How could I have not seen?! Simply, I trusted and loved my husband with all my heart and soul. I would have never suspected he was capable of something so evil. Of course once I found out (not from my daughter, but because her best friend told my sister who said there was something going on between my husband and daughter, but she didn’t know what), then I could look back through the years and see little signs. I just didn’t recognize them. I talked to my daughter when I found out and she kept denying anything had happened. I would not relent and she finally told me. I also found out she had been raped when she was 15. I felt so overwhelmingly sad that she had faced all that alone without my support. Of course once she told me I had no choice but to confront her father. We got divorced (which my daughter said she was afraid we would get divorced,if she told me.) Every time I think of my little girl and all she lived through I can’t help but cry. :***(

  28. Monica Skaggs says:

    That question about what would you tell that girl that was raped and abused as a teenager freed me. For the first time I realized that I had done what I knew to do and done the best that I could. I was 55 years before I could say those words out loud. The shame belongs to the ones who do the abuse. It is no longer mine.

    • Monica, no it is not yours to carry hon.. I was 5, and told when I was between 11 and 12. Touching on the inner child that stills dwells within me, and reaching out to HER. Allowed her to know she was a child then, and in no way was it her fault.. She was taken extreme vantage of, and ROBBED of many simple pleasures in life through this awful act of sickness, the abusers sickness..
      Blessing to you always,
      Debbie

  29. Debbie, I just read your post today. Thank you for putting into words something that many of us were told ‘never talk about this, what would the neighbors think?’ My own story is parallel to yours in some ways and not others. All of the emotion from this experience came from my Mom who worried about the neighbors and what my Dad would do to my cousin, asking me, ‘You don’t wnat to be the reason your Daddy goest to jail do you?’
    As many other ladies have posted, in my thirthies I made a choice to be a survivor, that choice helped the healing. Thank you for obiedence to God, you are a blessing to all who come this way.
    Sandra

  30. sherri Layer says:

    I love your website and all that you give to us every day with all your inspiration with beautiful pictures and wonderful recipes ,but for the last week I haven’t been able to comment on any thing you or Susan have posted I was wondering why I don’t get the comment box any more or if you have seen my question as to why when I click on comments I see everyone elses but don”t get the comment box to say something, I t has left me to the point of thinking what did I do?

  31. Debbie, thankyou for sharing your your personal story of abuse. It took me back many years ago to my own childhood. My younger sister was molested by a neighbor when she was four years old. I was five and don’t remember it happening to me, but I sometimes wonder. This was back in the early 1950′s and sexual abuse of children was not as common, at least it wasn’t talked about. My mother was far too trusting. Since we didn’t have a television and the neighbors did, she allowed us to go to their house and watch Howdy Doody and Pinky Lee, our favorite shows. I have a few few memories of the people who lived there, two old men and an old lady, who I think were related. Maybe my mother felt that since there was a woman present, she could trust these people and they always seemed kind. I remember the man who molested my sister taking us upstairs one time to show us the bathroom. He made a remark and laughed and I didn’t understand it but I knew that it was something naughty. It made me uncomfortable. He told my cousin who was the same age as me that he had something else he wanted to show my little sister and told us to go downstairs. I remember asking why we all couldn’t stay and he was firm about only wanting to show my sister. My sister didn’t tell us what he showed her. She was very quiet on the subject and we continued to go there to watch our favorite tv shows. It wasn’t until those people moved away a couple years later, that my sister finally told our parents what had happened. My dad was extremely angry. He wanted to kill the man, he couldn’t understand why my sis allowed this to happen and he made her feel partly responsible. He was also angry at me because I didn’t protect my little sister and make her stay with me. He said that the man’s name was not to ever be mentioned again and that we were never to speak of what happened. To this day, my sis has never received counseling and I believe she is still affected by the experience. She is very uncomfortable talking about the experience, so it is rarely mentioned. She still feels shame that she allowed it. I have told her that she was a victim, hardly more than a baby and certainly not responsible. Our parents did not handle the situation appropriately, which made it even worse. By them casting blame, it just increased her guilt and also mine for not protecting her.

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