Last night as I lay in bed, talking with God. I remembered posting a quote on my facebook page about people speaking negative of others, and that more times than not it is something within them. Their issue, they need to address, but often never get. Several years ago I was seeing a Christian counselor, Paula Brown from Birmingham, Alabama. I trusted her insight, as she really helped me to get to the root of what was eating at me since I was 5 years old, maybe earlier.
I had been abused as a young child, my first recollection was about five years of age.. Until I blew the whistle at age 11. It took me years to tell my parents for a few reasons. I was scared of what might happen, you must understand that as a young child, we do not understand about being accountable for the wrong ONE does to us, only that something has to make it stop. But, how, and who, and what, was that I thought. So my fears of the unknown of it ALL kept me in bondage as a young child. I did finally tell my parents, and it stopped at once. My parents stopped going to that house, they had a huge falling out with those family members, and that was that! In those days you really didn’t have a therapist to go to.. You went to your pastor, well your parents did.. I guess on how to deal with it. From then on my parents kept a close watch on me, and my where about’s. I know my Mother blamed herself, but, she shouldn’t have.. Sexual predictors have their ways of getting, and hiding their sickness over on their pray..
But that left me at 11, then soon 14, then 18, then 25 with feelings of SHAME that was overwhelming. Feelings of being unworthy, not good enough, and it cause me to become angry, and that spilled over into my whole life.. I was spinning out of control.. Until my Christian radio station mentioned Paula Brown. I made an appointment and it took us week upon week, to finally make some headway.. It finally HIT me when Paula asked me that one QUESTION that changed my life as I knew it.. She said ” Debbie, what would you say to that little girl, the one the dwells still to this day within your very heart. You, a grown woman, with children of your very own. What would you say to her.”
It took me all of about 10 seconds to began to weep, I wept until I threw up.. Our one hour session turned into 3 hours..I was weeping for the little girl still with in me. The one that never got to let it out, talk it out, or even let it go..Only to hold in all that I had been through for over 25 years. That day was a breakthrough for me. And it was allowed by God, at that time only, for a reason. Had it have happened earlier, I’m not sure I would have been in a place to have dealt with it in a constructive way that I did then. When God laid this on my heart last night, I thought Oh Lord, now you have asked me to share things that I never dreamt of, but please God. Not this too.. It is only by his Grace that I am free from those feelings of self destruction. And it is by the Grace he covers me to write this.. There is not one thing anyone can say, or do to make me relive this in a negative way.. God’s Graces covers me.. I’ve been set free.. I hope thatthis reaches others that struggle with this, and help them in whatever way God see’s fit. Know you are not alone, and that you are worthy, and loved by God. It is HIS Grace that sets us free, once we know just what it is we need setting free, from..