Mother loved these flowers ~

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It’s been 27 months now, since I saw my Mother alive, heard her voice, or touched her, and held her close. I write about her often, either on my FB page, or here.. I’ve shared a couple of her stories of her life, growing up in the depression.. It has been therapeutic for me to talk of her, here, or to my grandchildren, or a perfect stranger for that matter..It keeps my heart from busting open at times, just allowing her stories, her life, her ways, her words, to pour out of me, and continue to take on
their life. Many may say why can’t you just let go? I will never let go, I’ll celebrate her life everyday that God allows me too. I know that not all women reading this will understand, but I was so blessed to have a Mother that loved me no matter what, stood with me, and allowed me to be me. Even when I know in my heart she might have wished I’d went in other directions at times.
She told me many times she was proud of me, as a Mother, woman, and as her daughter. I as a teen, and young adult, did things that maybe she was not always proud of, and she told me so. But, she stood beside me, as a Mothers does. I always knew that when the day came  and God called her home, I’d be totally lost. And I lost I was.. I felt so alone, even with people around me. But that didn’t began to describe what I went through the first year, or so after her death and still today in many ways. I was so lost, I felt as if a part of me had died and gone with her. My grief at first was shock, know that I looking back, it took me 6 months to realize she was not coming back, she had joined my dad, and she wanted that. She missed him so much.
She died from a massive stroke, nine months to the day of my Dad’s death. It was not expected, as my dad’s death was, he had been ill for about 2 years before his heart gave out on him.. I can’t explain to anyone of you what it feels like to lose your parents at any age. To no longer have parents here on earth. Most of us will go through it, and while it is hard, the hardest thing I’ve done so far in 56 years.. You learn in ways how to cope, how to carry on, and move forward..I find myself saying, wow what would Mom think about this, about my grandchildren today, she loved them so.. While it has been 27 months, in so many ways it seems like yesterday. Then years ago in other ways..I know she can not see me here, see me cry, my pain , and how much I am still saddened by her untimely death.. The Bible tells us there will be no sadness in Heaven, so when I have encountered her, I know it was her Angles that had come to comfort me.. To let me know she was ok, and that I would see her again..
So, for the ones reading this that has lost a loved one, we do not have to let go. Why would anyone even think that. I will never let go of the hand and heart that gave me life, shared so much with me. And was above all a good Mother, wife woman, sister,  and friend. You do not have to let go, you may keep their memory alive within your heart until you see them again..
~Debbie~

Comments

  1. I lost my Dad on January 7th and my Mom a year and 1/2 ago. This piece was wonderful and filled me with peace. Thank you. A dear friend told me after my Dad’s passing, that you really do not grow up until both your parent’s are gone. So very true.

  2. joanne nixon says:

    hi debbie….i like to remember a quote i saw once….”those we have loved and lost are never gone, but live within the corners of our heart.” i don’t know who the source of the quote is, but it seemed to touch me in its truth, and i have not forgotten it. i think about you often, love your posts, photos and recipes that you share. i hope you are doing well. hugs and blessings to you, my dear…..

    love, joanne

  3. Another beautiful tribute to your Mom Debbie – I remember reading your earlier account & being very moved. I lost my mother 11 months ago & as you say – time seems to stand still as the time is etched in our minds, the pain comes unexpectedly when something familiar triggers the memory – a flower they loved, perfume they wore, the way they flicked their hair; a stranger who looks similar ….

    Thank you for sharing – it helps many of us.
    Dee at the Carlton

  4. Debbie, I know exactly how you feel. My mom passed in 2007 at the age of 87, from a massive stroke. So unexpected, So unreal and unbelievable. She held on for two days, due to her pace maker, but my dad had to make the decision to let her go. Having her taken off of life support was horrible! I will never forget that experience and wouldn’t wish it upon anybody. I think about her each and every day and, even after all this time, I still see something and think “Oh, I have to tell Mom about that” then realize that I can’t. I like to think that perhaps those times are her angels checking in with me. It gets better with time , we finally have to accept that our loved ones are gone, but we never have to get over it! We never have to stop loving them, stop thinking about them, stop living our lives in the ways that they taught us and we absolutely never, ever have to remove them from our hearts! nobody can tell you how to feel and what emotions to have. You do what’s right for you and you’ll be fine. Love ya sweetie! Hugs, Leena

  5. Your mother sounds very much like mine. My heart aches when I think of losing her, and I know it won’t be long. God be near you and comfort you, and give thanks for the blessing He gave you in such a mother to love you unconditionally.

  6. I am so glad you shared this, Debbie. I miss my Mom more everyday. I did not know what I had until she was gone. Our culture does not prepare us for the loss of our parents. We are supposed to “get over it” and “move on”. Few people tell you your heart is going to break. I know we have to keep going for the next generation. But for those of us who grieve deeply, it means so much to have someone like you who understands and expresses so well what so many of us feel. When I feel overwhelmed, I try to focus on where my Mother is now… with Jesus. Her long valley of tears in a world that crushed her in so many ways is over. For that I am am happy. But I look forward to that day that i can say, “Good Morning, Momma” and never have to say goodbye.

  7. So true. I lost my mom in 1995. It’s kind of like when you have a child we all say your life will never be the same again. Well when that child looses their mother to death…..life is never the same again. Yes it can be happy but never ever the same. My thoughts are just I a part of me is gone and guess that is really what it is. My dad died several years later. We lost a brother (49) before my mother died (cannot even imagine how my mother dealt with that) but none of us kids felt any less love from her. After my mother died 2 weeks later my sister (59) died. Seems awful and was but in some sense I was still numb from mother’s death made it somewhat easier I guess. Then at 63 years of age my youngest brother died very unexpectedly. I could give you details on each and their deaths and lives but guess I need to get my own website for that. Debbie just want you to know hold on to them and never let it go. The memories is one of the things God has given us that can never be taken away. Love your fb!!

  8. Debbie,
    Thank you for sharing your heart , your pain, and your love for your mom. I lost my mom 5 months ago. I look around at all my family members and my dad and they were able to carry on. While they miss my mom, they are able to get on with life. I , on the other hand, am finding it very hard to carry on. The only thing that is keeping me strong is having to be strong for my two teenage boys. My oldest is leaving for college in August. It seems like with my mom gone and my oldest leaving that the ground around me is falling apart. I am trying to carry on and live again but it is so hard. It sounds like you and I had the same kind of mom and relationship with our mom. How did you keep going? Thank you for sharing!

    • Vicki, I can totally understand hon..I say this to you, it does get less painful. But, keeping their memory alive to me, is the way or my way, to honor them.. When I talk of them it helps me carry on. I;ve found that many are that way, once the initial shock, and the heart brokenness goes away a bit.. I wish you God blessings, and peace hon..

      Debbie

  9. I never knew grief until I lost my Mom. Overpowering, heart-wrenching, unrelenting, raw grief. You’re never the same again.

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