I guess so many of you that follow me wonder “who I am” and why I am here and on facebook. It all started with facebook when I lost my Mother in October of 2010, nine months to the day of my father’s death. I was lost, truly lost.. I felt as though part of me had died as well. Starting my facebook page was my saving Grace after her death, I had so much to share, and I needed to get it out.. My life had been, well not always so wonderful, but threw it all God was there with me, I just didn’t know it until I looked back, is that not what we all say? My Mother was my rock, my best friend, and strength. Days before her sudden death, she asked me if I would be strong when it was her time to go, and to promise her that I would be. Well, no child at any age wants to hear that. I said mama, I can not promise you that I will be alright without here, no Mama , but I can promise you, I will try.Thinking God I can’t be without her, you know that.. I guess many people just didn’t understand the bond I had with my Mother, and why letting go of her was so hard for me.. My father was an alcoholic, and could be self centered at times. Yet he always worked hard and provided well for us.
My Mother was just the opposite, she thought about everyone but herself, sadly. She was mine and my brothers rock growing up, and as adults. I guess the fact that you grow up in a home that looks one way to the outside, but sometimes another way on the inside makes it confusing, even to yourself.. A lot of my childhood was spent daydreaming.. It is just part of my nature to dream of things to come, better things. I believe God always had better things for me , than some of the painful events that have taken place in my life.. God has shown and given me so much to be thankful for.. Like a flower that starts off pretty, then looks wilted, almost gone, he nurtured me and I felt that a beautiful person came to life, but only by his Grace was it even possible, so I give him all the glory.
I always wondered why my mama stayed with my dad when I was younger.. I thought at a young age and even asked my mama, why can’t we just leave, if you are unhappy, but little did I know. We don’t just walk away when the going gets tough, we are married, remember, for better or worse .. We did once, but mama went back to my dad. They had a love that as a child I didn’t understand. Until I married Mr Shabby, and several years later he began to drink, and do drugs . Until it became a habit that I could no longer live with. So, I had to decide move past this, and find my peace in this life, peace I felt I was entitled too as a human being, and a child of God. So, I let go, and set Mr shabby free, and I picked up the pieces and went on.. Very hard when you love someone, and have to let go of that in order to find peace. At the time it was painful, and I wondered if the peace would ever come. I prayed for Mr Shabby’s salvation, and his addictions. And it was not until that time that I understood my mama’s pure love for better or worse to my dad. And that all of those years she too had prayed for my Dad’s salvation. If did come Praise God, and Dad stopped drinking about 20 years before his death.. They traveled and had some wonderful times together, I am so grateful to the LOrd for tat, to get to see that. The love and bond they had together.
Months went by and then Mr Shabby and I met, and had a heart to heart for the last time for me.. He told me he had lost everything he ever loved, and wanted to change his life, he didn’t want this life he had been drowning in. So, he started therapy, then back in church, one day at a time. It has been over two years that he had been totally clean, and a better man. But a battle for us both daily. We had many wonderful years before his addiction, and I continue to pray for his recovery daily.. That God will bless us with many more years of bliss, addiction free, and living the life God had planned for us all along. So, when I say I know dysfunction, and hardships, I am speaking from the heart to all of you.. I can’t tell you what is best for you, but for me, letting go was hard, but in the end, it came back to me, 10 fold.. To God be the glory.. Then came the letting of my Dad, then my Mother, but that is for another time.